Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
someone owes me an orgasm
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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