I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
