Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i need some magic done to my vagina
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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