It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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