I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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