i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
