Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
