I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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