This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
