I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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