Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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