I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
