you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
