is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
