4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
