plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
