I skipped work to stalk him.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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