On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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