if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
