Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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