If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
