I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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