allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
