Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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