Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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