I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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