I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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