Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
