Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
