i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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