I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
