You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
