your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
