I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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