Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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