and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
