the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
