please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
