Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
