Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
