I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
