you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
