I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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