make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
