6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
