i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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