Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
