she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
