you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Two words: nipple clamps
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