I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just threw up on my dentist
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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